When we think of the word “flattery”, what comes to mind? People may think of those annoying empty compliments that other people send in their direction from time to time…often because someone wants something. In his book How To Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie has this to say about genuine praise versus flattery: “One is sincere and the other is insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.”
While flattery is characterized by insincere praise, backhanded compliments may be sincere, but tend to blur the line between compliment and insult. This article from consulting.com and this article from insider.com discuss the different kinds of compliments that come with an underlying insult. Examples include You look great…for your age and I wish I could just let my kids watch TV all day like you do. The intentions behind backhanded compliments are sometimes good and sometimes bad.
People generally do not feel guilt when delivering these empty compliments. Such people may think to themselves Hey, what harm could it do? At worst it is just annoying, right? Wrong! Flattery and backhanded compliments can be a lot worse than just annoying. Sometimes they can be outright derogatory.
Imagine you are a lawyer working at a law firm. Your boss informs you that they are letting you go, but he says he will go over what your strengths are in a minute. Later on in the conversation, you ask him “So…what are my strengths?” “Well…” he says “you are a nice person.” What would be your reaction? Would this compliment make you feel better about yourself in this context? Not likely. What your boss actually told you was “you do not have any real strengths in your field of work, but you are nice.”
As we can see in the example above, a compliment can be a grave insult in disguise. Sometimes a compliment can be so offensive and insulting that it would be less offensive if the other person just delivered the true message directly.
Compliments as a form of microaggression
Sometimes backhanded compliments are a form of microaggression. Microaggression is defined in this article as “a term used for commonplace daily verbal, behavioral or environmental slights, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative attitudes toward stigmatized or culturally marginalized groups.” This New York Times article discusses microaggressions in the every day lives of marginalized groups, and the cumulative emotional and psychological harm they can do over time. According to the article, some psychologists call microaggressions “death by a thousand cuts.”
Certain “compliments” can actually be a derogatory insult in disguise that is directed towards a racial minority group. Let us say you are an Asian American. You and your family were all born in the United States and have been living in the United States your entire lives. While waiting at the bus stop, you strike up a conversation with someone. At some point, the woman says “You speak good English.” Well, of course I do. I am not mentally retarded you think. Nonetheless, you know why the lady really made that remark, and it is not because she thinks that you are retarded. She thinks you are an alien in your own home land. No matter how many generations your family has been in America for, you will never completely be seen as a fellow American.
Sometimes a black person is told “You are so articulate.” This compliment does not usually offend white people, and so white people may not see why such a compliment would offend a black person. Isn’t being articulate a good thing? Yes it is. What is not a good thing is the implication that it is unusual for a member of one’s race to be articulate.
Of course, if the white person were to bluntly say “People of your race are usually not articulate. I am surprised that you are…”, the white person would look like a big racist scum bag. White people do not want to look like racist scum bags to anyone, including themselves; so delivering a derogatory insult masked as a compliment is a lot more convenient.
On the other hand, many white people who make these comments do not mean to be insulting. They are racist on a subconscious level, and their subconscious racism, which they are not aware of, manifests itself in the form of these “compliments”. The best thing to do in this case is to educate them.
This table lists numerous other examples of microaggressions directed towards racial minorities.
Sometimes it is pretty obvious when a compliment is a form of aggression. For example, a young woman is walking along in an inner city neighborhood, and some men yell out “Nice ass, baby!” In actuality, most women would like to have a nice butt. In this context, however, the comment is obviously a form of aggression that gives the woman reason to fear for her safety. The comment signifies sexual objectification. The woman is seen as a potential source of sexual entertainment by the random men in her vicinity.
“You have a mind of your own” Compliment or insult?
Some verbal expressions can be a true compliment in some contexts and a terrible insult in other contexts. For example, the expression “You have a mind of your own” is a very loaded expression. It can be a true compliment in some contexts or a very derogatory insult in other contexts.
In some contexts, when too many people conform to one way of thinking, the expression “You have a mind of your own” can be a true compliment. It means that the individual has the courage and the wit to adopt a different way of thinking from the mainstream view. Rising above the follies of mainstream thinking is quite admirable.
In other contexts, the expression “You have a mind of your own” carries much less weight. For example, adults tell a two-year-old that she has a mind of her own because she refuses to play with the toy that they give her, and insists that she wants to play with one of the other toys.
Even dogs and cats have a mind of their own to some extent. Sometimes when a man tries to put his cat into a cage, the cat squirms and bares its claws. Indeed, the cat has a will of its own, and therefore a mind of its own.
So, if you are told that you “have a mind of your own”, is it sincere praise or an insult? The rule of thumb, in my opinion, is to ask yourself what triggered the compliment? For example, imagine a young woman is living with her aunt, who does not seem to have much respect for her. Her aunt sees her as a silly girl not to be taken too seriously. In one conversation, the aunt makes a suggestion that does not seem to make any logical sense. The young woman expresses disagreement, to which the aunt replies “Well…you certainly have a mind of your own.”
In the context described above, all that the young woman had to do to earn this “compliment” was to disagree with someone on something. Of course most people possess the cognitive capacity to disagree with another human being. The only people who are lacking in this cognitive capacity are people who suffer from a severe form of mental retardation. Therefore, to consider it remarkable that the young woman has the cognitive capacity to express disagreement in an everyday conversation is very insulting. It would even beg the question cats and dogs have a mind of their own, so why are you surprised that I have a mind of my own?
Sometimes insincere compliments are meant to manipulate someone into tolerating bad treatment. For example, let us say that the young woman is fed up with not being taken seriously. In response, the older woman says “Oh, but you are so beautiful! I would never have guessed that you had a brain too!” Such a compliment is intended to soften the young woman’s mood and make her feel flattered. In this way, she will be more likely to tolerate the older woman’s disrespect.
“But it is just a compliment!”
Evildoers can find great convenience and satisfaction in delivering insults masked as compliments. In this way it is harder for you to call them out on their offensive behavior without looking unreasonable. While it is easy to explain why an overt insult is offensive, more lengthy prose is required to explain why a compliment is offensive. Evildoers want it to be this way so that they can torment their victims more easily without any accountability.
A true compliment signifies admiration for the other person, or at least admiration for something about the other person. The motivation behind flattery and backhanded compliments, however, is quite different. Below are some examples:
- To feel better about oneself
- Attempt to manipulate
- Deflect the direction of a conversation
- Patronize or convey disrespect
Below are some contexts where “compliments” can signify disrespect, not admiration:
Context: Someone has told you to do something that is foolish and wrong, and you have expressed an unwillingness to do it.
Comment: “You have a mind of your own.”
True message: Even though cats and dogs have a mind of their own, I am surprised that you do. Your mind is at the same level as that of a lower lifeform.
Context: You are physically small and have a chronic medical condition and/or disability. The flatterer is convinced that you are having difficulty performing a simple task that is fairly easy for the average person.
Comment: “You are tough”
True message: I think that you are a little weakling, and I am surprised that you can even function normally.
Context: You are an intellectual, and a less educated person has decided to coerce you into being his/her friend so that he/she can pull off an underhanded scheme at your expense.
Comment: “You are sooooo smart. You are such a brain. You are just so smart …”
True message: I may think you are book smart (because of your prestigious career), but I think that you are stupid in everything else. In fact, I believe that I am successfully outsmarting you right now. Furthermore, I think that you are full of pride. If I want to manipulate you, all I have to do is appeal to your sense of pride. Then I will have you in the palm of my hand.
In each of the examples above, the speaker is establishing superiority over the target. The speaker does not even expect the target to catch on that the compliment is not a true compliment. Thus the speaker can feed his/her desire for a sense of superiority without having a guilty conscience.
Delivering the true message directly, on the other hand, would make the speaker look like the mean person that he/she is. The speaker would much rather disparage the target in a much more underhanded way so that the speaker could look innocent to the casual bystander, and not have a guilty conscience. Think of it as giving into one’s desires to do evil to another without appearing evil to oneself or to others…aka having one’s cake and eating it too.
Concluding Remarks
When an individual delivers an insult to you directly, the individual is essentially saying “I think lowly of you in some way”. On the other hand, when the individual delivers an insult masked as a compliment, and expects you to take it as a compliment, the individual is essentially saying “Not only do I think lowly of you, I also firmly believe that you have the same low opinion of yourself.” That is why an insult masked as a compliment is generally more derogatory than a direct insult.