Toxic Positivity

A lot of people like to be seen as positive and uplifting rather than being viewed as Negative Nancies or Debbie Downers. People generally do not want to have the reputation for killing the mood or being a grouch. Fear of being the Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer can be exacerbated when we are met with people who welcome “good vibes only” into their personal space. Ever get criticized for being too negative when in reality you were just being honest? Ever feel guilty or shamed simply because you were feeling down in the dumps while people around you seemed perfectly content? Ever feel like you could not really talk about something that was bothering you without being judged as being too negative? If so, you were likely at the receiving end of toxic positivity.

Toxic positivity can be really horrible and deadly. Consider the following hypothetical scenario: a young woman has been experiencing some gastrointestinal issues. She expresses grave concern that it could be serious. Her boyfriend, however, believes she is just another woman who worries too much. He insists that she probably just ate the wrong food or maybe just needs to take some probiotics. He even convinces her not to jump into the doctor’s office so fast. He says she is sweating the small stuff. He figures it will just clear up eventually and then be yesterday’s news.

Months later the gastrointestinal issues continue. If anything, they get worse. Woman finally goes to the doctor and finds out that she has stage 4 bowel cancer. Still, the boyfriend tells her to stay positive and assures her that everything happens for a reason. He also brings up the point that she is young, and should be able to get through this more easily than an older person. However, because the diagnosis is at a later stage of the disease, the treatments do not work as well. The woman dies a slow and painful death with side effects from chemotherapy and radiation therapy treatments. Her two young children watch her die. When she dies, her suffering may be over, but not the suffering of her parents who have to bury her, or her siblings and friends who will never see her again, or her children who may have to go into foster care.

Now the boyfriend who insisted she was just “sweating the small stuff” and that “everything happens for a reason” does not look so smart. Furthermore, his insistence that she was worrying too much and being too negative only caused her to delay going to a doctor, meaning delayed treatment and reduced chances of survival.

This scenario is an illustration of how destructive, and even deadly, toxic positivity can get. While worry is a negative feeling that is not fun, it does sometimes perform a vital function. It drives us to action when there is something urgent that needs our immediate attention. It is true that people do sometimes sweat the small stuff, but that does not mean that worry has no place in our world. Bad things do happen all the time, and often we can do something about it. Worry, like many emotions, is a form of energy that drives us to action. It is a survival instinct.

Now some toxic positivity people may argue that bowel cancer is a rare cause of gastrointestinal complaints, and that the boyfriend had no way of knowing it was that serious. In my opinion, this is not a justifiable reason to dismiss someone’s worries and concerns as being “sweating the small stuff”. We should accept people for who they are, and these negative emotions are a part of who they are. Furthermore, bowel cancer and other cancers are becoming more common among younger people, so a doctor visit is warranted when one has suspicious-looking symptoms.

What is the toxic positivity mindset?

The toxic positivity mindset is the belief that no negative emotions are to be felt or expressed. They all can be avoided by just “staying positive.” If you are feeling a negative emotion, then according to toxic positivity, you are choosing to think too many negative thoughts and are not focusing enough on the good things in your life.

This article presents the point that dismissing negative emotions is just not healthy. A healthy functional human being is going to feel negative emotions as well as positive emotions. A human who does not feel or express negative emotions is the one that we would need to be concerned about. In my opinion, lack of negative emotions can be a sign of apathy. When there are people and things in this world that we genuinely care about, we are bound to feel a negative emotion at some point in time when bad things happen to the people or things we care about. When these bad things happen, we need to go through a grieving process. Otherwise the negative emotion will not resolve. Toxic positivity people do not allow others to go through this necessary grieving process, or at least not in their presence. If you want to grieve, you would have to make sure that no toxic positivity people are present. They do not want you killing their joy and good vibes.

This blog post discusses some more of the damaging affects of toxic positivity and how to spot it. These two ladies site studies showing that failure to express or acknowledge negative emotions will elevate the level of physiological stress that the negative emotions have on the body. What this means is that if we have a bad experience that causes a negative emotion, such as the loss of a loved one, and we try to “stay positive” by smiling and only thinking happy thoughts (like what Peter Pan’s friends do when they want to fly), the level of stress on our body increases. Conversely, if we take time to grieve and be miserable for awhile, eventually the negative feelings resolve. It may take a year or two, but we will be better off than if the negative feelings never resolved at all.

The following statements are red flags that you may be at the receiving end of toxic positivity:

• “Don’t think about it. Just stay positive”
• “Don’t worry. Be happy”
• “Hey, it could be worse”
• “Failure is not an option.”
• “Everything will work out in the end.”
• “Positive vibes only”
• “Everything happens for a reason”

“Don’t think about it. Just stay positive”

This statement represents the delusional notion that problems will somehow go away when we ignore them. However, not thinking about a problem means we will definitely not do anything about it. This is a bad idea when the problem is urgent and requires our immediate attention. Recall the scenario described above about the young woman’s gastrointestinal issues that turned out to be signs of bowel cancer. I know that when I have a problem, nothing makes me feel better than solving the problem. This cannot happen if the person makes the false assumption that the problem will just go away on its own. If solving a problem is not in your vocabulary, and ignoring a problem is the only thing that is feasible to you, then you just may be from Planet Loser.

“Don’t worry. Be happy”

This statement, like the previous statement, dismisses a negative emotion called worry. In reality, worry is a survival instinct. Dismissing it can be deadly, depending on the context. Though I do admit that people often worry more than they should, and sometimes people do worry about petty things, like what the neighbors will think when they fail to mow their lawn this week or if they wear that weird outfit that is out of style.

“Hey, it could be worse”

No matter how bad and painful your situation is, it always could be worse. However, that does not mean that your situation does not warrant negative emotions. For example, when a loved one dies, do we say to ourselves that it could be worse and then rejoice that at least only one loved one has died rather than two or three. What if three of our close loved ones died all at once? Do we rejoice that it was not four or five? It really always could be worse no matter how bad it is. This does not mean that negative emotions are unwarranted.

“Failure is not an option”

Like what the ladies in this psychology blog explain, failure is a part of life. Saying that failure is not an option implies that if the other person fails, then he/she is inadequate or he/she has chosen failure. It implies that failure can be avoided as long as we try. In reality, sometimes we fail even when we do try, and that is okay.

“Everything will work out in the end”

Often everything does work out in the end, but not always. Recall the sad story of the young woman with terminal bowel cancer. This statement is a statement of false reassurance. To show support for someone going through a difficulty that is ridden with uncertainty about the future, we should acknowledge the seriousness and uncertainty of the situation rather than downplay it or deny it.

“Positive vibes only”

Here, the person is creating a space in which conversation topics are limited. Such a space is shallow. If you have something that is bothering you, and you need someone to talk to, then you are essentially not welcome in this space. Talking about something that is bothering you would be dismissed as negative talk. Instead, you would be told to move on (before you are ready to) or get out.

“Everything happens for a reason”

It is true that something good sometimes comes out of something bad, but in reality, this is not always the case. Tragedies do happen. Many times, we will never see anything good come out of a tragedy. This statement is yet another example of the distorted view of reality that is characteristic of toxic positivity. Distorting reality does not help. It may even create disappointment when the other person never sees the good things that he/she was told would come.

The intentions behind toxic positivity

Sometimes people exhibit toxic positivity behaviors because they really have good intentions and believe that making positive statements will help the other person and/or make the other person feel better. They do not understand that making positive statements that are false or that minimize the seriousness of a situation just does not help.

Some people are just not mentally ready to take on another person’s burdens. Such people may make toxic positivity statements to relieve themselves of the other person’s burden that they are not ready to deal with.

People may feel a sense of guilt when someone around them is going through grave difficulties and/or hardships. To relieve themselves of that sense of guilt, they may selfishly exhibit toxic positivity to make the other person’s plight seem lesser than it is.

Sometimes toxic positivity comes from evil in someone’s heart. For example, toxic positivity folks are sometimes judgmental. As discussed in the Judgmental People blog post, judgmental people like to jump to negative conclusions about people off of the basis of little to no information. In the case of toxic positivity, the person may jump to the conclusion that the other person is only sad or angry because he/she is a grouch, not because there is a situation that warrants such anger or sadness. In this way, the judgmental person relieves him/herself of the sense of moral obligation to show compassion for a fellow human being. In addition, he/she can give him/herself a pat on the back for having a sunnier disposition than this grouch over here.

People who have had unusually easy lives may be more likely to exhibit toxic positivity behaviors. Some people experience more hardships in their lives than others. When someone has never lived in poverty, always had everything handed to him/her, has never had serious health issues and has not had to go through that many difficult situations, his/her ability to show sympathy for the suffering of others would be diminished. It is generally easier to show compassion and empathy for others who are going through a hardship when one has gone through the same hardship oneself. Conversely, it is easier to dismiss negative emotions associated with a hardship when one has not gone through that many hardships oneself.

Toxic positivity can exacerbate and even cause mental illness

This Ted Talk video discusses how toxic positivity thinking can exacerbate, and even cause, mental health issues such as depression. In the video, Mahmoud recalls the bad affects toxic positivity on his own life back when he held to the toxic positivity mindset. Whenever he experienced a difficulty or hardship, he would keep saying to himself “Stay positive…stay positive…” while to others he would say “positive vibes only”. Yet he was unable to chase away these negative emotions, and he fell into a depression, followed by suicide attempts.

The toxic positivity mindset makes people feel like there is something wrong with them whenever they feel anything but positive emotions. They are prevented from going through grieving processes that are necessary for true emotional healing to take place. Usually, talking with people about your negative feelings helps with healing, but when a toxic positivity person says “good vibes only”, the emotional conversation immediately shuts down and can prevent people from seeking the psychological help that they need to get well.

Talking about “negative things” can be a pleasurable experience

Let us say that whenever you travel by air, something seems to go wrong. Whether it be trouble checking in, a long security line that makes you almost miss your flight, rude staff, misplaced baggage, bad food, etc. It makes you almost dread the coming of the next trip. Now imagine you are chatting with some people at work and find out that they have had bad experiences on their more recent trips, too. Next thing you know, you are all exchanging interesting stories about your wacky experiences.

Suddenly, just when you are feeling better knowing that you are not alone in your struggles while simultaneously laughing at some of the other entertaining stories from your colleagues, someone else interrupts the conversation and says something like “you guys all sound so negative…you are just a bunch of complainers…can we talk about something happy instead?” What would be your reaction? You may not like this. Now you can no longer hear more of the amusing air travel stories from your colleagues. You can no longer be reminded of how much you are not alone in your struggles whenever you travel by air. The reason is that the conversation is now confined to only “happy stuff”.

The truth is that talking about “negative stuff” can be quite a pleasurable experience — whether it be talking about how bad someone’s jokes are or camping trips that went wrong — negative stuff can create really amusing and fulfilling conversation topics that can promote bonding among the participants in ways that happy stuff just cannot.

Summary

With all of the bad things happening in our world, creating a positivity-only bubble and expecting oneself to feel little-to-no negative emotion is just not realistic. To feel only positive emotions all the time, one would have to be in a state of apathy. When you “only see the good”, you fail to acknowledge the bad. Often it is necessary to acknowledge the bad so you can, say, solve a problem, psychologically heal from a traumatic experience, or just help people who are suffering.