Killing with Fake Kindness

Ever hear of the term “kill them with kindness”? To kill someone with kindness means to cause discomfort to someone by treating him/her in a way that is extremely kind and helpful. This article describes what is meant by killing with kindness and it gives some examples. One example features a couple with a baby walking down the aisle in an airplane during boarding. The other passengers express visible disgust that this couple is bringing a baby on board knowing that the baby is likely to cry during the flight and disturb others. Some passengers do not even care whether the couple hears their rude comments. Instead of reacting with retaliation, the father goes around handing out earplugs to the other passengers, apologizing to each person for any noise that may occur during the flight. These acts of kindness can make the other passengers feel guilty for showing such visible disgust a moment earlier because the father is making it obvious that he and the mother genuinely do not want to disturb anyone.

When people are mean, they usually expect a retaliatory response. Refraining from being mean back is one thing, but responding with acts of kindness can catch the mean person by surprise. Sometimes these acts of kindness can reveal how bad the person’s behavior is and can be more likely to get the person to change his/her behavior than if we were to return meanness with meanness.

Sometimes killing with kindness comes with ulterior motives, but often in these cases no harm is done to the other person in the process.

Killing with Fake Kindness

Killing with kindness is something that a victim may do to a perpetrator in order to expose how bad the perpetrator’s behavior is and soften the perpetrator’s aggressive demeanor. Killing with fake kindness, by contrast, is something that perpetrator may do to the victim. Killing with fake kindness not only comes with corrupt motives, but also does potential harm to the other person.

Killing with fake kindness, here, means to put on a display of kindness for others to see with the intended effect of making oneself look like the kind and thoughtful one and making the other person look like the mean one. Sometimes it can be outright cruel. It is a perversion of the traditional killing with kindness concept. It is not overcoming evil with good, but rather overcoming good with evil by putting on an appearance of goodness.

Example: Two girls named Jen and Jill are good friends, but Jen is secretly jealous of Jill because she has a crush on Jill’s boyfriend. Jen decides to tell Jill’s boyfriend a lie — that Jill has a venereal disease and that Jill has been cheating on him. Jen’s plan works, and Jill’s boyfriend breaks up with her. Jill eventually finds out what happened, though, and she explains to Jen that she does not like her anymore. Instead of leaving Jill alone, Jen decides to “kill Jill with kindness”. Jen showers Jill with empty and insincere compliments, which Jill finds to be irritating. Whenever Jill accidently drops something, Jen picks it up for her. Despite how obvious it is that Jill does not like Jen anymore, Jen tells Jill in front of others that she still wants to be friends and that she forgives Jill. Jen tells others that she still likes Jill as a person, and that Jill is the one who doesn’t like her. Meanwhile, it should not be surprising that Jen still likes Jill. Jill did nothing to Jen that has given Jen any reason to dislike her. Jen is the one who did something wrong to Jill.

In the example above, note that Jen never owns responsibility for how wrong she was telling lies about Jill to her boyfriend. The acts of kindness from Jen are for the purpose of making herself look like the kind and loving one and making Jill look like the mean and intolerant one. Furthermore, Jen makes no efforts to repair the harm she has done to Jill, such as explaining to the boyfriend that those things she told him about Jill were actually lies.

Another Example

Marsha keeps getting harassed by her busy-body colleague, Nancy. Nancy sometimes criticizes how Marsha does certain things, and many of Nancy’s criticisms are ignorant and unwarranted. In her self-righteousness, Nancy is convincing herself that she is a great person who is only trying to help. In reality, Nancy is only criticizing Marsha to make herself look like the more competent colleague. On some other occasions, Nancy teases Marsha for having a swollen face. Marsha explains to Nancy that she is on medication for a serious illness, and a swollen face is one of the side effects. Nancy does not seem to care and still thinks it is funny. On still other occasions, when Marsha is speaking her mind at a meeting, Nancy tries to discredit Marsha in front of the group. Over time, Marsha grows to dislike Nancy and wants nothing to do with her. A dispute ensues, and the other colleagues are aware of it.

Nancy decides to handle the dispute by “killing Marsha with kindness”. So Nancy does a bunch of nice things for Marsha in view of the other colleagues. Even though Marsha wants nothing to do with Nancy and just wants to be left alone, Nancy follows Marsha around while talking — in her sweet silky voice — about how she just wants to be friends and cannot bare to part with someone on bad terms. She buys Marsha a bouquet of flowers, tries to do unsolicited favors for Marsha and sometimes places her hand on Marsha’s arm in an affectionate manner, which makes Marsha squirm away in response. When people are not looking Nancy continues her round of subtle quiet insults, backhanded compliments and microaggressions.

“I am sorry for whatever it is that I did” says Nancy. This apology is more like a back-handed apology. The “whatever it is that I did” part of this apology is Nancy’s way is playing dumb and acting like she has no clue what she did, but is so “kind” that she is willing to apologize anyway. While this apology is Nancy’s way of exalting herself for being so kind, it also serves as a harsh put-down to Marsha. It implies that Marsha is angry at Nancy for no known reason, thereby making Marsha look unreasonable and angry with somebody over nothing.

By being so kind to Marsha in front of other people, Nancy is attempting to make herself look like the kind one, and make Marsha look like the mean and grumpy one. When Nancy is mean to Marsha, it is too subtle for others to notice. As Marsha flinches in response to Nancy’s unsolicited “affectionate” physical touching, Nancy attempts to make Marsha look like the stubborn one who is not willing to get along. Nancy is petite, blonde and innocent-looking. She speaks always in a sweet, silky voice such that people may feel bad saying or thinking anything bad about her. She insists that she did nothing wrong, and does not know why Marsha just wants to find fault in her. Meanwhile, Marsha is left in a state of torment. If Nancy’s kill-with-fake-kindness tactics are effective enough, then Marsha may become convinced that she is just too sensitive and too grumpy, and needs to lighten up.

The General Pattern

The killing-with-fake-kindness pattern generally starts with the evildoer doing bad things to the victim that may go unnoticed by others. A dispute ensues between the evildoer and the victim. Next, the evildoer showers the victim with acts of kindness for others to see in an attempt to make him/herself look like the kind one, and make the victim look like the mean and intolerant one. Such behavior has the façade of overcoming evil with good, but in reality is just another form of overcoming good with evil. If effective enough, these tactics may even trick the victim into thinking that he/she is the mean and intolerant one, thereby making the victim feel guilty when acknowledging the wrongs done against him/her.

I wonder if women are more effective when killing with fake kindness. In culture, women are often expected to be thoughtful, empathetic, kind, more emotionally intelligent. Some women may mold themselves to meet these cultural standards on the outside while having evil intentions on the inside. Because women generally look more innocent than men do, women’s attempts at fake kindness may be more convincing to outside observers.

It should be obvious that acts of kindness do not replace holding oneself responsible for one’s previous bad behaviors, nor do acts of kindness absolve one from responsibility for one’s previous bad behaviors. Only admitting to the wrongdoing and giving a sincere apology suffices.