A busybody is defined as “a nosy, meddling person, who’s very interested in what other people say and do”, and “a person who is too interested in things that do not involve them.” Busybodies have no problems with speaking their minds about something that does not concern them, and sometimes give unsolicited advice on matters that they may not be as knowledgeable about as they think they are. People who are controlling, on the other hand, will do more than just intervene in the lives of others.
People who are controlling actively try to control the lives of others. While a busybody may give unsolicited advice, a controlling person may force the other person to follow the advice. Controlling people use methods of control such as manipulation, threats, intimidation and even physical force.
The intentions of a busybody are sometimes good and sometimes evil. For example, say that someone is about to park in a handicapped parking spot without a handicapped parking sticker. The so-called busybody may shout out to the person that he is not supposed to be parking in that parking spot, because it is for people who actually have disabilities, and who really need that spot available for them to use. In this scenario, the busybody is not necessarily doing anything wrong, in my opinion. Laws regarding handicapped parking spots are there for a reason. One may not appreciate these laws until one sees things from the perspective of a person who is handicapped and needs that parking spot.
Two individuals could both do the same deed, yet one may do the deed with good intentions, and the other with bad intentions. Take the handicapped parking scenario. The busybody may have good intentions in that he/she may genuinely care about people who are disabled. He/she may even have a disabled family member, and not want to see someone violating laws regarding handicapped parking spots at the expense of handicapped people. On the other hand, the busybody may have bad intentions. Such a busybody may not care about disabled people at all, and is rather making the comment to the stranger for the purpose of self exaltation and establishing moral superiority.
Busybody behavior becomes a problem when the busybody does not know the full situation. For example, if a busybody sees someone park in a handicapped parking spot without a handicapped parking sticker, and the driver gracefully comes out of the car without any visible sign of disability, the busybody can easily believe that the driver is breaking the law. After the busybody explains to the driver that he is breaking the law, she may then see him escort his disabled mother from the passenger seat. He then explains that the handicapped parking sticker fell on the floor of the car, and got stuck somewhere. Here, the busybody’s intervention was in vain, even if the intentions were good.
In other contexts, busybody behavior can be more than just a nuisance. It can cause unjustified damage to another person’s reputation, particularly when the busybody behavior is in the form of gossip. When busybodies spread gossip, they may blow things out of proportion in such a way as to stir up trouble. For example, say Peggy, Jane and Busybody Betty are all members of the same church. Busybody Betty overhears Peggy telling someone that she is concerned about Jane because Jane is obese and needs to lose weight. Busybody Betty comes to Jane and says “did you know that Peggy called you fat?”
Here, Busybody Betty is making it sound like Peggy is being judgmental of Jane, when in reality Peggy is just concerned about Jane’s well-being. Meanwhile, Jane’s feeling may get hurt, and resentment may brew up between Peggy and Jane that was just based on a misunderstanding — which Busybody Betty created. Busybody Betty rationalizes her behavior by telling herself, and others, that she needed to tell Jane the “truth” about what Peggy thinks of her. Even if Busybody Betty finds out later that she had perverted the truth, she will still stubbornly defend her behavior by saying that at least her intentions are good; but were they? There is a good chance that Busybody Betty was only spreading these toxic messages because she is unhappy with her own life, and likes to create trouble in the lives of others.
Controlling people and government dictators: not too different
People who are controlling, in my opinion, are more likely than busybodies to have bad intentions. There is a difference between meddling in affairs that are not your own versus forcing another person to live his/her life your way. When we think of people who are controlling, we may think of the possessive romantic partner. However, controlling behavior can occur in friendships and among same-sex family members.
Evildoers gravitate towards positions of power. While good people are more likely to see power as a big responsibility, bad people view power as something that they can enjoy. To bad people, power allows them to get their way all the time. In addition, great power feeds the bad person’s ego and sense of superiority.
The thing is that not all evildoers are able to elevate themselves to a position of high power. In order to be in a position of high power, such as that of a government dictator, one needs to be in the right place, at the right time, and have the right skillset. Most people, even if they want to be in a position of high power, would not be able to attain it. When evildoers cannot elevate themselves to a position of high power, they will instead seek power and control over individuals as is discussed in the Low Grade Villains article.
When an evildoer seeks oppressive control over the victim, the evildoer may rationalize, with the chief rationalization being “it’s for their own good” and “I care about them” and “I don’t want them to hurt themselves with their bad decisions”. Here is the interesting thing: government dictators have very similar rationalizations. When a government dictator exercises oppressive control over large numbers of people throughout a society, the government dictator may rationalize by saying “it’s for their own good”. Government dictators often see the masses of people as being too stupid to represent themselves or even run their own lives.
The controlling person expresses profound arrogance when he/she claims that he/she is forcibly intervening into the life of the other person “for their own good”. What this rationalization implies is that the victim is too incompetent to make his/her own life decisions, and needs to be under the control of someone who loves him/her. Decent people respect the autonomy of their fellow human beings, even when it is obvious that a fellow human being is making a bad decision. Bad decision making among other fellow human beings is, to the decent person, no excuse to forcibly intervene. To the self-justifying evildoer, on the other hand, it may be their obligation to intervene. An evildoer may bury him/herself in the delusion that he/she is needed.
Like busybodies, some controlling people are just unhappy with their own lives. They intervene into the lives of others because they do not want to have to deal with their own problems. Even worse, sometimes controlling people are losers, as is discussed in the Planet Loser article. They are prone to messing up their own lives with their bad decisions, and they actively try to drag others down with them by forcibly intervening in their lives. Sometimes controlling people may project their limitations onto other people, with the attitude “if I cannot do it, then you cannot do it either”.
Is the controlling people any less evil than a government dictator? Not necessarily. Government dictators such as Hitler and Stalin caused harm and suffering among much larger numbers of people than an average controlling person ever would. However, that is not necessarily because these dictators are any more evil. Rather, it is because the government dictator has more power than your average controlling person. With more power comes the ability to do more harm. In other words, the amount of harm and suffering one causes is not just a function of how evil one is, but also a function of how much power one has. What does this mean? It means that you can have people in your life, right under your nose, who are as evil as Hitler and Stalin.
Busybodies versus Good Samaritans
The term “Good Samaritan” originates from the Bible. Unlike busybodies, good Samaritans are seen as virtuous, but why? Good Samaritans intervene in the life of a stranger, too. Below is an excerpt from the Bible that illustrates what a good Samaritan is like, taken from Luke 10:30-37:
A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. Now by chance a priest was going down the road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. So likewise the Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion. He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him. And the next day, he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take care of him, and whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back.’ Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?
The Bible describes busybodies in this way, taken from 1 Timothy 5:13
Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not.
These excerpts from the Bible show that the good Samaritan is doing what is right while what busybodies do is wrong. While the good Samaritan’s behavior is motivated by compassion for another human being, the busybody’s behavior is motivated by idleness. The good Samaritan intervenes where intervention actually is needed. The good Samaritan does not need a rationalization to intervene. In fact, it is obvious to many that it would be wrong to not intervene.
Good Samaritan versus Busybody versus Controlling Person
Let us say that a family in the neighborhood has an unconventional diet, such as a vegan diet. A busybody may express concern that the unconventional diet may not be providing the children with enough protein or nutrition to grow properly. The busybody may discuss his/her concerns with other people in the neighborhood, and even bring his/her concerns to the attention of the family. A controlling person, on the other hand, would try to intervene in a more forceful way. For example, the controlling person may invite the family over for dinner, and secretly slip animal-based ingredients into the food. The controlling person may also try to frame the mother and father of the family as being unfit for raising children, and try to actively have the children taken away from them. The good Samaritan would most likely not intervene at all, but the good Samaritan would intervene if the children were showing signs to serious abuse and/or neglect.
Let us say that Martha is writing up an email at her work desk where she is expressing a view on something that many people would find to be controversial. A busybody may peak over Martha’s shoulder, read the email, and express his/her disapproval of the email message. If Martha still sends off the email, then the busybody would perhaps complain to some of the other colleagues about this ridiculous email that Martha wrote. A controlling person, on the other hand, would try to forcibly stop Martha from writing and sending off he email. The controlling wants his/her way all the time and does not want people doing anything that he/she does not like. That includes writing emails that contain points of view that he/she is not in agreement with. The good Samaritan would most likely not intervene because good Samaritans do not go peeking over people’s shoulders and watching what they are doing.
In both of the examples above, the busybody and the controlling person can find a rationalization for their behavior that sounds plausible in their eyes. They can easily convince themselves that their interventions are justified, and even necessary. In the case of the family eating an unconventional diet, the busybody and the controlling person can easily rationalize and say that they are looking out for the family’s better interests by making sure that they eat a proper healthy and varied diet. In reality, they are making the arrogant assumption that they know better than the mother and father of the family what a healthy diet is (even if they have no health-related degrees). They may not even care about the family at all, but rather about feeding their own ego.
One thing that controlling people do a lot of, which busybodies usually do not do, is manipulation. When the victim does not do what the controlling person wants him/her to do, the controlling person uses various manipulation tactics, such as threats, intimidation and imposition of guilt. Sometimes, the controlling person will go so far as to make the victim feel guilty for wanting to run his/her own life at all. When the victim tries to take charge of his/her own life, the controlling person may act like the victim is the control freak. “Oh, you just like to always be in control” the victim is told. The victim may also be called “stubborn”, “rebellious” or “stiff-necked” even if the thing he/she is refusing to do is morally wrong. Finally, the controlling person may call the victim ungrateful for the love that is being poured out to him/her. Once again, the controlling person wants everyone to think that the control he/she wields over the victim is motivated by love, and that even if harm is done to the victim, at least the intentions were good.
When we compare the good Samaritan to the busybody and the controlling person, only the good Samaritan’s intervention is warranted. Good Samaritan interventions can even save a life. The controlling person is the only one of the three who does not respect the autonomy of fellow human beings. The busybody respects autonomy of fellow human beings, but still meddles in affairs that do not concern him/her. Sometimes the busybody’s intentions are good, and sometimes the intentions are bad.