Evildoers often like to put other people down and/or denigrate someone else in the sight of others. Often when they do so, however, they run into the issue of looking like a jerk. When an evildoer tries to put someone else down, he/she may look like a jerk to others, in which case the evildoer would be making him/herself look bad instead of making the victim look bad. This is the jerk dilemma. To solve this jerk dilemma, evildoers devise cunning and crafty ways of putting the other person down as much as possible, and without it looking like they are being mean at all.
Below are examples of techniques that evildoers use to denigrate another person without looking like a jerk to others…
Insults masked as compliments
Evildoers sometimes deliver insults that are disguised as compliments, as is discussed in the article Flattery and Backhanded Compliments. If the evildoer delivered the insult directly, he/she could easily look like a jerk; but if the insult is delivered in the form of a backhanded compliment, then the other bystanders will be less likely to view the evildoer as being a jerk. After all, it is just a compliment, right?
Sometimes the evildoer will deliver an insult at first, then later claim that the insult was actually a compliment. For example, an evildoer may say to you that you are selfish. After denigrating you in the sight of others by calling you selfish, the evildoer may then turn around and say “oh but it is good to be selfish. You have to take care of yourself. Self care is important”. Here, the evildoer is putting you down, but at the same time is manipulating you and others into thinking that this put-down was actually a good-intentioned form of praise.
Passive aggression
A person who genuinely respects you is willing to openly voice disagreement with you in a respectful manner. Evildoers, however, do not tend to have respect for their victims. Therefore, they will not even give their victims the dignity of disagreeing in a respectful manner. Sometimes evildoers will disagree in a disrespectful manner, and sometimes they will utilize subtle forms of passive aggression to denigrate their victims in the sight of others without coming across as a jerk.
Passive aggression is the topic of many articles, and it can take place in many forms. While some articles list examples of passive aggression phrases, below are some phrases that you likely have not seen listed, which can qualify as passive aggression in certain contexts:
- “…what you are feeling…”
- “It is a phase. You will change your mind later.”
- “a little bit of both”
The use of the little word “feel” can be passive aggressive in certain contexts. Let us say that a person is making a basic observation of a wrongdoing or atrocity. In order to discredit the person’s observations in a subtle manner, the evildoer may use subjectivity language such as “…how you feel…”, “I am sorry you feel that way…” or “…what you are feeling…”. These subjectivity phrases have the effect of reducing an objective observation into a mere feeling that only exists inside of the person’s head. This use of the word “feel” puts on a façade of emotional sensitivity, but in reality is a malicious gaslighting term and also qualifies as a form of passive aggression.
Another term that can be passive aggressive is “you’ll change your mind later”. Let us say that Pat is impassionately pro-life and has decided to do activism to rescue the unborn from being killed in the womb. One of Pat’s family members says in a rather faint-hearted manner “you are just going through a phase. You will change your mind”. Obviously this remark would be offensive to Pat. Why would Pat want to change her mind about standing up for the unborn? Why would this be just a phase? Does this family member mean to say that Pat will one day not care about the unborn anymore? We can see here that a seemingly innocuous statement, in certain contexts, can be quite denigrating.
Sometimes passive aggression can be very subtle, such as when someone utters the phrase “a little bit of both”. When we think of passive aggression, this phrase does not tend to come to mind, but it can be passive aggressive. Let us say that Judy is glad to have gotten out of a relationship with a boyfriend that she thought was being abusive. Judy discusses how her boyfriend kept trying to convince her that their problems were her fault, but, Judy emphatically states, he was obviously the problem. That is when John replies “well it was probably a little bit of both”. Here, John does not state explicitly that he believes Judy was a part of the problem. Instead, he puts on a facade of impartiality by using the phrase “a little bit of both”. Even though he is not stating that all of the problems in the relationship were Judy’s fault, by just using this phrase, he is diminishing Judy’s testimony in regards to her being a victim in an abusive relationship.
Sometimes a seemingly innocuous little laugh can be a form of passive aggression. Because laughter is a part of everyday conversation, a passive aggressive laugh can easily go unnoticed, but still create a sting in the heart of the victim. Normally when people laugh in everyday conversation, it is in response to a joke or in response to a comment on something. However, a passive aggressive individual may laugh when the other person is, in a serious manner, expressing his/her opinion about something that is important to him/her. This laugh delivers the subliminal message to the other person that he/she is not being taken seriously, and perhaps is not worth being taken seriously.
Voicing disagreement is more respectful than passive aggression
Let us say that John does not agree with Peggy, but because he has no respect for Peggy, he will not voice his disagreement directly. Instead he employs passive aggressive modes of behavior in order to discredit Peggy in front of others. When Peggy confronts John and asks him why he will not voice his disagreement directly, John says that he is kind of afraid of Peggy and is not sure what Peggy would do if he voiced his disagreement directly. Peggy is a sweet person, however, and John has no reason to believe that Peggy would become hostile in response to overt disagreement.
In this example, John justifies his passive aggression by claiming that Peggy cannot “handle” disagreement, even though John has no reason to believe this to be true at all. On some occasions, John claims to be afraid of Peggy, and he expresses “fear” of what may happen if he openly voices disagreement with Peggy. This “fear”, however, is only a pretense, and is most likely a form of sarcastic mockery.
Imagine a little kid in the school yard trying to assert himself in front of bullies. In response, the bullies say “ooooo, I am sooooo scared…”. Are they actually scared? No. Their “fear” is a pretense that is meant to mock the smaller kid. So when evildoers claim to be “afraid” of what may happen if they openly voice disagreement with the other person, this “fear” likely is a form of implicit mockery. Furthermore, claiming that the other person cannot handle disagreement is a derogatory attack on a person’s character that is not necessarily justified. For example, when John frames Peggy as someone who may get hostile in response to mere disagreement, John is putting Peggy’s character into a negative light that is not representative of who Peggy is.
Of course if John just openly voiced his disagreement with Peggy, his behavior would be much less destructive and would allow for better communication to take place.
The aftermath
Even in the aftermath of an evildoer’s wicked behaviors, when it has been established that what the evildoer did was wrong, evildoers will still have more tricks up their sleeve to maintain their outward image of being a nice person.
One technique evildoers may use is the fake lip-service apology technique. The idea is simply to say the S-word a bunch of times, and if they say it enough times, everyone is supposed to believe that they are “sorry” and are not so bad after all. Some gullible people fall for this, but note that there is a difference between regret and remorse. Regret generally means that the person wished he/she had not done something. Remorse refers to sorrow for the suffering that the person has caused to someone else. While remorse is a potential reason to feel regret, it is not the only possible cause of regret. When evildoers feel regret, it can be just regret that they got caught. Regret also may come from the damage to their reputation, and/or from incurring a penalty for the wicked deed. In other words, regret can come in the absence of remorse, and be purely selfish.
The level of sincerity in an apology shows through in the person’s actions. For example, is the person trying to do whatever it takes to make up for the harm done? What is the person’s past behavioral history? Does the person have a history of righting the wrongs he/she has done?
Another technique evildoers use to maintain their nice person disguise is playing the “I’m not perfect” card. Evildoers sometimes like to blur the line between being imperfect and being an outright bad person. Sometimes they remove this dividing line entirely, saying things like “hey, there is some bad in all of us”. By saying “I’m not perfect”, the evildoer is framing the other person as being an unreasonable individual that just expects everyone to be perfect — even though the other person may only be expecting the evildoer to behave like a halfway decent human being.
Other implicit put-downs
Another expression that can be a put-down in many contexts is the statement “you two just have differences”. This statement can represent the truth in some contexts, but in other contexts it can serve as an unjustified attack on someone’s character.
Let us say there are two neighbors named George and Joe. When Joe uses his leaf blower, he blows lots of leaves into George’s yard. He also lets his dog poop in George’s yard. George does not like this. While he is talking to his other neighbors about his problems with Joe, one of the other neighbors, Bill, notes that George is an educated medical doctor who also has a PhD. Joe, on the other hand, barely finished high school and works as a construction worker. Bill decides to tell George that he and Joe just have differences and need to learn to accept each other despite each other’s differences.
In this example, Bill is making a judgmental assumption about George. By stating “you two just have differences”, Bill is implying that George somehow has a problem with people who are different from him. If Bill were to explicitly say to George “you just hate people who are different from you”, Bill may look like a jerk. Bill is smarter than that. Bill instead states that the dispute is caused by mere “differences” and tries to sound reassuring by saying that once those “differences” are worked out, everything will be good. We know, however, that this dispute is not caused by differences, but rather by bad behavior.
Even if someone were to point out how inappropriate Bill’s comment was, Bill has a whole other set of tactics he can use to make himself look innocent, which is discussed in the article titled “I didn’t mean to”.
Another subtle put-down is the interjection of the word Ouch. This little word can easily be used to vilify another person and make him/her look like a big meanie. Let us say you are confronting someone about inappropriate and offensive jokes that he has been making. While you tell him how his jokes bring no joy to anybody and only cause problems, he interjects with the word “Ouch!”. This interjection serves to frame you as the mean one and him as the victim. The word Ouch indicates to you that you have hurt someone in a way that is uncalled for.
Sometimes evildoers will take an expression of wisdom and apply it to the wrong context. One example is the expression “what you see in others is a reflection into yourself”. Evildoers may use this expression to vilify people who are confronting them about their bad behaviors and who are questioning how good they are as a person. By saying “what you see in others is a reflection into yourself”, the evildoer is taking attention off of him/herself and placing it onto the other person.
Summary
The examples presented here represent a plethora of tactics that evildoers can use to make others look bad in the sight of others, and without looking like they are being mean at all. It is like having your cake and eating it too. Sometimes the meanness is so subtle that even the victim does not know that he/she is being treated wrongly. This only serves to increase the amount of torment that the victim is experiencing. As the victim feels the effects of the bad treatment, the victim may not even know why he/she feels this way. Meanwhile the evildoer does the damage and evades accountability.